many thoughts, head never empty

I'm giving the site a little makeover again! Coding has really taken a back seat to other things these days - trying to be okay with knowing I can't work on everything all the time.

I'm listening to music and slowly waking up. I woke up from a strange dream and that always throws me off a little. Right now, I'm trying to get myself together for a few things. I've got a meeting for my zine to go over the layout for our first issue. We're hoping it's ready to launch on October 17th! Getting very near to the time when we gotta print it and put it together physically. I'm so excited to give this thing form and have it exist in the world.

Then, I've got band practice. Lately, I have band practices 2-3 times a week between my two projects. Oh, I just realized, I wanna talk about my new project:

It's called Spiral Path and we're sort of industrial-post-punk-whatever whatever. I play guitar in this one. I love having a project where I'm not the singer and can focus on the guitar more. Don't get me wrong, I love to sing, but it's just nice to have this for a change.

Well, I suppose I should get to work on the zine. Ughhh I'm so tired!

Wow been a hot minute - okay, so really things have gotten way better and way busier in the past couple of weeks. Stuff is happening with both of my music projects, I've gotten to see a lot of my friends, things feel okay. Just yesterday I was laying down on the bed and listening to the outside sounds after folding some laundry and feeling really content. Life is so full of good and bad and it feels nice to savor a quiet moment.

LOL I always have a fear that the second I acknowledge a peaceful or good moment in life, I'll be met with some catastrophe or sorrow...I guess that's normal to feel worried about when you've got some stuff to work out. Not gonna stress about it too much right now though.

I cleaned my room - that is good, and necessary. It was starting to look like a big pile of junk. I like cleaning, and organizing a lot but I just don't always prioritize it. And I think that's ok as long as it doesn't get to a really bad level. I think we gotta acknowledge that we don't have all the time in the world for everything and you have to learn how to manage the time you do have.

Speaking of time management - I better get myself together for the day. I have work in a few hours, and then depending on how everybody feels we might have a painting night.

godddd i just wanna hang out today and be in my room with all my STUFF - I feel pretty disorganized ever since I got sick. And I am better now but it made everything wonky! WONKY.

I have less than an hour before I gotta go work and since I slept in, it made my time to myself extremely short. That kinda thing makes me so sad. I really needed to sleep though. Actually, I had a nightmare about being in an elevator with my partner and one of our cats and the cable snapped and it was plummeting - I started screaming and screaming but we somehow were unharmed. So it wasn't the most restful sleep, you know?

I feel kinda irritated today. Maybe I'm PMSing. Doesn't feel like stuff is going the way I want it to right now but I would like to make it through the day without being like this haha. I should try to mellow out a little. I could play Star Ocean for a few minutes, maybe? I'm really enjoying the remake.

Well, one thing to look forward to is that I made some fun plans for several things coming up this month. I'll try to think of those things and cheer up.

I have been sick with covid for a little over a week now but my spirits are ok! Been trying to stay busy at home, mostly preoccupied with making songs in garageband. Kinda like, video game inspired short songs - I actually finished a whole collection! If you're interested, I put it up on bandcamp:

I also got two mixes back of two songs from this side project me and 2 other friends started a while ago. It's a little hard for us to make our conflicting work schedules line up sometimes, but it's been worth the wait because I'm so happy with how the few songs we have are shaping up. I'm hoping that band will be able to make some more stuff and perform eventually, I know the other two wanna do that as well. On top of that side project, I'm also making some songs with my partner separate from our main band (which is Cult Objects btw!)...so I guess that's a side side project.

Or maybe nothing is on the side and it all exists in a circle!?

Besides the music stuff, I kinda let artfight take a backseat but I did manage to make some pieces I liked and I got some wonderful art in return! Maybe I can squeeze in an attack or two more before the week is up?? Go Seafoam!

We had a good band practice last night! I got to present my idea for the album art and everyone liked it. ^_^ I'm so happy to have finally landed on a design, it took a while to come up with something that felt right. We also took a bunch of photos, some with my phone and a lot with my polaroid camera. I knew everyone would prefer the polaroids, they always come out so flattering lol. The phone's camera distortion combined with how HD it makes every little pore and mark on you makes everyone feel less good about themselves. I felt like I had to reassure everyone that they looked good - and I think they all are super attractive people so it's disheartening that any of them feel insecure. This damned society!!

Anyway, I have work today. I don't feel as sad about it as I did they other day - and actually, that was a good day. But again, I'm always worried that if I express liking work at all I will immediately be thrown into the worst shift ever, so please universe, can it be okay today too??

Well, whatever the night may hold, I have four days off coming up and I get to go to the beach this weekend with my partner and their family! The last beach I was at was in Oahu back in April...I can't believe that even happened. I dreamed of going to Hawaii my entire life, and it finally became a reality. It was so amazing to be in touch with that part of me and see the places my grandfather grew up. Sometimes I have sad feelings about being mixed Hawaiian and white because I dunno if I should try to connect with the culture or not. It's hard. I don't wanna get too much into detail about that stuff though, it's complicated and I'm not the most eloquent.

Speaking of eloquent though, my two co-editors for the zine we're working on have such good taste in poetry! We have been emailing each other stuff we like and I am really impressed and moved by the poems they sent. It's making me want to learn more about poetry and writing in general. I already write lyrics for music all the time, but it feels different to me.

Hmmm I should get to doing stuff, I only have a few hours before I gotta head to work!

Wellllll yesterday we had a meeting for our new zine that me and a few friends are trying to launch. I hope we get lots of submissions! I'm most excited about putting the physical thing together, I haven't even thought much about any contributions of my own like some art or something...well, besides the logo and stuff I guess.

I wish I was off today so bad!! I really should be getting ready to leave in like 20 minutes but I'm procrastinating. I just want to work on my own projects all of the time, I feel so disconnected from myself when I'm at a job. I mean, many many manyyy people probably feel the same way. I love working on my projects, but they don't pay bills...

I guess I'll just try to suck it up. At least I do have tomorrow off, and most of the day is mine.

On a 4 hour drive to western PA. My partner isn't one for talking much while they concentrate on driving, so my mind is wandering all over the place. So many trees! Also, I'm in charge of the music so we're listening to some albums we never checked out in full before. So far, we've listened to Aztec Camera and now Prefab Sprout. I'm trying to branch out from my usual stuff.

(My usual stuff is just me pressing shuffle and getting emotional whiplash going from something like Rowland S. Howard to DDR music.)

Listening to this stuff today is making me wanna practice guitar more...

Hmm...I kinda woke up feeling a little depressed. I had the most unpleasant experience with a drunk asshole customer at my job yesterday, which is bringing me down a little more about the job overall. I hate that I put myself in this position again, where I feel like I'm...I dunno, vulnerable?? I don't want to work with the public anymore, at least not in the same way that this and every other retail/food service job has made me have to before. But man, it's been hard to find anything that isn't this type of job. I don't have a college degree or anything, I dunno...

Well, no sense in rambling about it right now. I'm grateful at least that I have a number of days off before I have to go back there. Hey, if anyone out there reading this happens to be a witch - could you spare sending some good luck magic my way? ;)

LOL tell me why I had this instinct yesterday that the second I said the new job was "actually kinda nice" I would have a shitty day at work?

I don't need to elaborate on that but it is a good reminder to focus on my studies and projects and try not to let things outside of that affect me too much. Besides, there really are a lot of things that I want to give my attention to today and it's later than I want it to be.

What's something that can make me feel better today? Well, we have our 2nd ever zine meeting. I'm looking forward to getting the ball rolling on that project. And, on that note, I need to stop blogging and start compiling the things I need for the meeting....startiiiing....NOW!

Yesterday, my partner and I deep cleaned our entire house. It was a bit grueling but definitely felt worth it once we were through. And, we ordered food from this really great place that does Sichuan style menu. I dream about their cumin tofu frequently, it's soo amazing! And I went a little wild ordering a ton of stuff but hey, we have leftovers today for lunch!

Did a little studying today and listening to some music. I've been trying to organize my mp3s into different playlist categories but it is taking FOREVER. Today I'm on "synthy, minimal-wave type stuff". Wish I was better at grouping things by genre, but how do you do that without obsessing over the nuances!? Idk, man. I just have a ton of stuff and I'm tired of scrolling forever and ever to find something to listen to, lol.

I only have a few hours today before I go to work...the new job has actually been kinda nice, even though, i didn't really want to go back into working in a shop. It's nice to have co-workers who are all pretty cool and there is a lot to do so it feels like the time passes ok. Most importantly, it's cool to have some money again. My partner was so kind to carry us through a few months, I want to return the favor. I know they don't expect it, but I really want to pay them back and then spoil them for their generosity. I guess I gotta come up with more ways to make some cash...

What else? I always remember that today is Sailor Moon's birthday!

I have two days off and I have a lot of things that I *could* do, but feel kinda scattered and distracted. So far today all I've done is make a big pot of chickpea curry and play Hypnospace Outlaw. I'm excited to play it more later, but it feels like it will require some good attention span from me so I didn't play for too long.

What else?? My friends and I are starting a zine. It came up in conversation the other week that it was something all of us always wanted to do - so we're doing it! Our last meeting was like a brainstorming thing, and Monday we're gonna meet up again and talk about some logistics and stuff. I'm really excited about that.

I've also got music things tonight and tomorrow. Tonight is with a fairly new project and tomorrow my partner and I are going to work on one of our songs...wow, I just realized how much I need another cup of coffe while typing this out. My eyes are glazing over!

One of my cats keeps coming into the room to yell at me and then run away when I try to give him attention, lol.

It's late. Almost 1 am. This is strange for me after working a morning job for almost 5 years. I prefer mornings, but it is what it is. My partner is already sound asleep in our bedroom, but I'm too wired from working tonight to go to bed just yet. I wish sleep was optional and wouldn't have an effect on your health. I would still sleep just to have dreams!

Been playing Tomodachi Life again recently. I appreciate how silly it is, and I find it relaxes me. Except today when there was a baby crying and I had to shake the 3DS back and forth to make it stop, but other than that it is pretty soothing.

Just a few more days until I start my new job. It doesn't feel real yet. I really hope I can adjust to it.

Lately I have been going out a lot and being much more social than usual. While I do love seeing my friends, I often feel a little overwhelmed and anxious that I'm not working on personal projects and engaging with my hobbies whenever it's been a few days straight of hanging out with people and not having any alone time.

I started thinking this morning that I just must be the kind of person who doesn't love being busy. I've realized that I need a lot of unstructured time alone to feel happy. You'd think you would understand yourself fully by the time you're my age but in my experience, you just keep discovering stuff as the years go on.

Today's been chill so far, though I am a little sleep deprived.

I can't seem to go to bed at a decent time lately - which sucks because I really love getting up and having breakfast with my partner before they go to work, but I'm so tired and out of it.

And then I don't feel like doing much...but, I really want to try and make the most of the rest of this month since I start a new job on the 31st. It's only part time, but I'm anxious about it anyway. I don't want to fall off track with my studying, but I need to make money.

What else? Tonight we're all gonna go to a show to watch our friend perform since she's been on tour for like, two months and will still be gone all summer I think. And our other friend/bandmate is back from the UK today so it'll be good to see everyone!

Wowww ok so I've been wanting to make my own blog for a while - something static and simple, and I feel pretty happy with this! I change my mind all the time so I wouldn't be surprised if I kept messing with it over time but for now I'm pleased.

I was thinking a lot about just getting a different host to blog on, like use tumblr or something but I love the idea of just having everything be local to my site. I had fun editing the Ryō Ramiya drawing for this design too, have you ever seen her art? I love it, it's peak 90's manga style imo. I just love those giant eyes that look like windows.

I don't have much else to say rn - so bye!!