triage at the DIY show

⚠️ warning: this post discusses sexual assault & may be considered graphic ⚠️

THE ASSAULT happened last Friday night, during the last band's set. Soon, I'll call it the assault in lowercase and then later, I might not call it anything, might not call it again, we will see.

So, I was talking to my friend ‘Amethyst'. I'll call her that, because her name starts the same and she is like a sparkly purple stone associated with healing and creativity, to me. Amethyst and I work on a zine together and we were chatting about that when THE ARM wraps around me. Like how I picture a too-big-snake in a monster movie might. SUDDEN and TOO STRONG and TOO FAST and then I'm on the floor and worse than the arm, THE CROTCH is pressed up against my ass like what the fuck is happening right now? I can't get free. EW, it's hard?? I can't get up. Did I yell? I can't remember. I wish I had worn the spiky bracelet after all, it could have been useful then. No words from THE MONSTER but it was writhing against my body and ewwww, the disgusting worm against me and THE ARM around my waist were winning the fight!

But then, here comes a hand! That hand helps me up but unfortunately for me, THE ARM has a hand too and used it to tear the shirt off of me. Noo! Stop!! Stop!! My nice summer shirt that I cut myself so it would be comfy in the summer…it's gone. It's hanging off of me in shreds and I guess I'm glad I wore a bra that day. ;(

Amethyst looks so shocked, she doesn't understand what just happened and neither do I really. I take a quick glance down and see THE ARM and THE CROTCH turn out to be THE MONSTER still wriggling around on the floor. A vague human shape. And all this was while the band was still playing and I really wanted to pay attention to that and not this thing on the ground. I'm scared and sad. I need to go somewhere, I don't want people to see my bra.

There behind us is the back room where we put our amps and guitars and stuff. Amethyst and I rush to it and I start to CRY SO LOUD. I manage to ask her if she can go get a shirt from my band's merch table and bring it to me, she runs to get it. I can't stand to have my ex-nice summer shirt on anymore and I take off what is left of it and use it to cry more into. She returns with the band shirt and dutifully she asks me what else she can do. Can you go get my partner? Amethyst is quick and then there are 2 people who love me in the hot, gross bar storage room, together with me. Amethyst then gives me her shirt, because I made a little joke about now looking like an asshole wearing my own band's shirt. Her shirt is nice and smells like a good perfume I'll have to ask her about later.

So I cry more, and more. I love these people with me so much. They pop out of the room for a second and when they return, they say THE MONSTER is actually A MAN, drunk drunk DRUNK and so out of it he's getting taken out of the venue. But no one knows who he is. And it was hard to get a good look at him, because it was so dark and he really was kind of just a vague human shape. Maybe a beard? Maybe a graphic t-shirt?

My shirt!!

It is a rag now, not a shirt. And it's so wet with my tears and snot and now for some reason, it feels just like my teddy bear (Binky) in my hands. I feel just like the kid that was and still I am inside, crying and crying and really hoping someone will hear it and care about me. Please, somebody help me!

But wait, my partner is hugging me and Amethyst is holding my hand. I wake back up from being a kid with Binky and I'm Adult Lauren again. Not alone hiding under the bed so terrified. I'm together with people, with friends. And one by one, more friends start to pop up.

“There you are! We were looking for you!” - Lizard's smiling face turns white when they notice what I look like. It's Lizard, and Sierra. And Del. And Aria. And Oak. And Io. I tell everybody everything about the assault fast because it's too obvious to hide it anyway and I am so happy to not be alone in that moment. Hugs feel nice. Everyone is so super nice to me and I feel something start to swirl around inside.

First it splashes up and I cryyyyy again and I see the words BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD HELP HELP HELP but then help is actually already there, all around me and it goes back down and I see the words IT'S OKAY I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU IT'S OKAY. That happens back and forth a little while I try to go on with the night. And the night went on!

When I get home I text Hades and I text Artemis and both of them called me even though it was so late. And we talked. And Hades made plans with me to get coffee the next day. Artemis stayed on the phone with me a long time even though I thought she must be very tired since she's a morning person. And I love them so much just like everyone else that night besides you-know-who (hahaha…?), you know, the man. The man? Artemis who has a sword for a tongue said he is nothing and you know?? She is right. I think it turns out he really was nothing and he slithered out to South Street and probably went down a sewer drain.

Okay, Lauren, what now? How have you been?

Well, it's been a few days. It's been interesting. Because I am no stranger to monsters/men/nothings hurting me and holding my body down against my will, I had some ideas about what I was going to feel like now but my ideas actually were not accurate predictions. Even though there were a few times HE RIPPED THE SHIRT OFF OF MY BODY and I COULDN'T GET FREE BY MYSELF flashed across my eyes in big red letters like a marquee…I actually feel fine, today. Really! Topaz sent me a Distress Tolerance Handout and I have been trying some of the things on there when I start to feel a little scared again. Lizard taught me some methods too. Aria took my shirt and said she would mend it. I'm so lucky to have a lot of good friends. And this is really why I think I'm fine. I'm here and I'm back to doing things I care about doing without missing much of a beat because the monster was just a man who was just nothing and his gross extremities can't change me into nothing.

This is the big moment of clarity! It was ok because I had people who love me right then and there to do triage at the DIY show. Repair efforts were immediate - they all helped stop the bleeding before it got too bad! It makes me think, wow, you should definitely love your friends and they will love you back. That love really can make you strong enough to survive bad things. I believe this now, I didn't believe it for most of my life.

If you're reading this and feeling down because maybe you think you don't have friends like that, I truly think you can find them. You can find your people, they do exist and they will love you. Like I said, you have to love them too, but it's not too hard I promise. I have been too alone and I know what it feels like to think no one will ever care about you. You can even talk to me if you want to, I might not be able to fix anything for you but I feel up to trying to be there for others because others are there for me. I think that's why I feel compelled to tell you about all this. What a difference not being left alone has made. Just having someone listen, someone be there, it changes the way you view things if you let it.

I couldn't get free by myself.